Emotional Control – Why Leaders Need It

I recently saw an Air Canada ad with the slogan, “Great Executives never get ruffled”. And while it’s a play on words it strikes a cord because emotional control in Leaders does matter. Here’s why:

Emotional Intelligence

Many business people are familiar with Daniel Goleman’s writings on Emotional Intelligence and understand that it’s a desirable trait/skill. The simple definition of Emotional Intelligence is the ability to recognize and regulate emotions both within the self and others. Why would that matter? It’s because leaders drive change via others. This can invoke questions about manipulation and morality. If one accepts that we’re governed by free-will then, manipulation is limited to influence and presumes that people cannot be controlled. When it comes to morality a useful model to think of is a teacher helping students to learn and better themselves and by extension, their community. Similarly business should serve those in the work force and community, the difference being income versus education. Morality matters because it fosters trust and is at the core of any important relationship but the caveat is nothing is perfect; there is no perfect student, teacher, business or leader. However, there are certainly gifted students, teachers and leaders. (A business can’t be gifted; it’s not an individual.)

It can be demonstrated that Emotional Intelligence is important from a sales perspective. As an example, would you buy from an angry sales person, or a sad one? The reality is that people buy to address their own needs and generally aren’t all that interested in the sales person. If a sales person is not focused on the prospect’s needs because they’re in the throes of an emotional response the probability of a sale is reduced. The reverse is also true. A sales person wants the prospect to be in the right frame of mind to buy. However, if the prospective buyer is wary of or does not respect the sales person then he/she won’t want to deal with them. And a salesperson very much needs to have a prospect’s attention to get them to make a purchase so if they’re having an argument with their spouse or child it’s a deterrent. A leader is in essence selling change and being able to encourage the prospect to be in a receptive frame of mind can greatly facilitate the process.

It seems relatively straightforward but when the psychologists talk about Emotional Intelligence it can seem quite complicated. Another benefit to Emotional Intelligence is when you’re not distracted by emotional noise it’s easier to stay on task which helps to reduce stress. Stress is a ’Catch 22’ in that it distracts you and that distraction can lead to increased stress.

Entitlement

Excerpt from article on rabble.ca titled, Narcissism, entitlement, aggression and rape By Colin Horgan, October 3, 2010

In their book, The Narcissism Epidemic, researchers Jean M. Twenge and W. Keith Campbell describe the rise of narcissistic characteristics throughout culture; traits like overall feelings of superiority, of being special and, crucially, of entitlement. Twenge and Campbell reviewed the results of Narcissistic Personality Inventory tests taken between 1979 and 2006 and revealed that: "College students in the 2000s were significantly more narcissistic than Gen Xers and Baby Boomer in the 1970s, '80s, and '90s.... By 2006, two-thirds of college students scored above the scale's original 1979-85 sample average, a 30 per cent increase in only two decades." They also note that the "upswing in narcissism appears to be accelerating." Additionally, Twenge and Campbell point out narcissism's relationship with aggression -- that is, contrary to the belief that if we like ourselves, we'll be kinder to others, narcissists "are aggressive exactly because they love themselves so much they believe that their needs take precedence." The rise of narcissism can be traced to a cultural shift driven by decades of parenting and education and, not surprisingly, by how narcissism has become celebrated in mass media. We've ended up with a generation of people convinced by both their parents and the culture industry that they are special and entitled to most things simply by virtue of being a desirable marketing demographic.

The “Narcissism Epidemic” describes a phenomenon that is disturbing. One aspect is that bullying is getting worse in schools, despite countless anti-bullying programs. And it suggests that the generations entering the work force are bringing their evolving narcissistic attitudes with them. So what to do about it?

I suggest that being able to effectively deal with conflict – in any context - has always been an under-rated skill and is getting more important every day.

Defusing Conflict - Active Listening = the Big Guns

Most people feel anxious when confronted with conflict. Our strong survival instinct typically invokes the fight or flight response which can be pretty appropriate when faced with a physical threat. As a general rule, violence is unlikely but it still can be challenging to stay calm enough to actively listen. And like most things in life, active listening gets easier with practice.

Active Listening effectively defuses conflict by focusing on and validating what a person is feeling. Feelings are facts. People frequently try to rationalize and convince others that they shouldn’t feel the way they do. It’s counter-productive and only adds frustration to an already volatile mix. To be able to say to someone, I see/understand/hear that you’re feeling “x” generally pulls them up short and just about all they can do is agree, although, sometimes it takes a few iterations. Validating doesn’t mean you “agree”, it means you “heard” them. Unfortunately, many people don’t know how effective this can be and even if they do, find it difficult to resist the urge to give in to being angry. To effectively avoid your own emotions you have to divert your focus and attention, hopefully to what others are feeling.

What to do about an inappropriate sense of Entitlement

It’s not a competition. Don’t engage in battle. Hopefully, “losing” isn’t something you’d wish on your worst enemy. Granted, this can be tough but the more you care about others the easier it is. I remember telling one employee the Tradesmen’s motto: Act surprised, show concern, ask for proof and deny everything. It’s a joke but the element of “showing concern” always has a positive effect. She agreed to try “showing concern” and said that, surprisingly, she actually felt concern. That was the point and for her it was major developmental progress. (A great book on this is, “The Anatomy of Peace” by the Arbinger Institute.)

Be clear and consistent about appropriate boundaries, which can be defined as the limits that allow for safe connections between individuals. Just because you listened doesn’t mean you have to give in. Don’t resort to rationalizing because that can be debated. Base it on your feelings because they can’t. It’s never up to someone else to decree how another feels. A useful context might be to visualize dealing with a small child: don’t react emotionally, care and actively listen, be clear and consistent and don’t expect it be easy. It can be a process that requires significant patience.

A temper tantrum without an audience dissolves quickly. Removing yourself from the situation can be very effective. If you find you can’t control your emotions then you can always come back later when you’re more able. But even if you do succumb slightly, actively listening can help you to defuse your own anger. Try it; you’ll be amazed at the results.

I recently met someone who described her run-in with a person with an inappropriate sense of entitlement as severely wounding. Its significance was so overwhelming that she was contemplating abandoning something she was really passionate about. Don’t let someone keep you from your passions. Don’t give bullies that kind of power. Active listening may help if the bully isn’t a sociopath but if they are avoidance may be a better tactic. If what you’re doing isn’t working then try something else until you find something that works.

Excerpt from What’s Wrong with a Healthy Sense of Entitlement? Donny Deutsch Has the Right Perspective by Kit Cooper - published May 5th, 2009

Donny Deutsch offers an interesting take on the sense of entitlement. To feel deserving of all the world has to offer but simultaneously not feeling entitled to success without doing what needs to be done.

Deutsch has accepted that he is no smarter than anyone else and no one else is smarter than him. For business, this translates to a huge competitive advantage in, a) building a corporate culture that is not just authentic but confident, and b) capitalizing on business development opportunities since you know that you can do anything that your competitors can do.